


Drawn Out Like An Ache

by MadManta



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Gay Awakening, Gay!Rude, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Pining, Rude Must Suffer, Sappy Ending, Straight!Reno, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:55:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24465316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadManta/pseuds/MadManta
Summary: Rude has a secret that no one knows, until he thinks he's about to die. When Reno finds out, will their dynamic change?(Yes. But not for the better.)
Relationships: Elena/Tseng (Compilation of FFVII), Reno/Original Female Character, Reno/Rude (Compilation of FFVII), Rude/Original Male Character
Comments: 12
Kudos: 107





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A brainworm attacked me and yelled, MORE ANGST. GIVE US PINING, SUFFERING RUDE. GIVE US EMOTIONS AND SAD FEELINGS. But give us the happy ending we desire.
> 
> I offer you this story in its hastily-written entirety to take your mind off of the world, for now. Your comments sustain me -- find me on twitter @MantaWords.
> 
> (PS, I did not properly beta read this. If you see EMBARRASSING/HILARIOUS typos feel free to comment and I'll uh, fix those.)

Rude had a secret.

The thing was, Rude was already quiet so that “secrets” were just a normal part of his mystique. What people knew for sure about Rude was that he’d managed to put up with Reno for so long that they were inseparable as partners; that he wore sunglasses; that pissing him off was a sure way to lose a tooth. It was easy to keep secrets.

After a long job, the four Turks would enjoy a few drinks at a nearby dive bar. This was the place Rude struggled to deal with it.

“Only one left to go,” Elena was saying, kicking her feet up under her. She boredly traced the rim of her glass of beer. “It’s all been real smooth going, so far. Kinda weird.”

Tseng gave a solemn nod, gazing at his own foamy glass. “You think there’s something else.”

Rude grunted in agreement, halfway through his beer; Reno was just coming back to their booth with his second. “Think tomorrow’s gonna blow up in our faces, do ya?” he said, carefully placing the beer down before throwing himself into the seat. He nudged Rude’s shoulder as he did.

“Not literally,” Elena said with a shrug, finally taking a long drought of the drink. She licked head from her lip. “But the last place must be where everybody is. There’s no more safe houses to go to. And I bet there will be more of ‘em. More guns and mayhem.”

Rude watched as Reno sloppily chugged, slamming his now half empty glass down. “Let ‘em try. We’re already gonna bring soldiers along, aren’t we?”

“Maybe,” Tseng said. “If we send them in, do we even need to accompany them?”

Reno tsked. “ _Any_ time we let those bozos run their own missions, they fail.”

“They need a shepherd,” Rude said, thankful the drinking gave him an excuse to stay quiet most of the time.

“Yeah, they _are_ an annoying ass herd. How do they wear so much armor and carry around so much ammo, but still get taken down in a punch or two and miss all the time?”

“Maybe it should just be you two,” Tseng said, eyes leveling on Reno’s.

Elena spoke up before the redhead could say anything snide. “With all due respect, Mr. Tseng, that’s a bad idea. I really do think this one will require a lot more backup.”

Whenever Elena spoke to him, Tseng’s mouth struggled to stay neutral. It was never a negative thing; Tseng was also very good at _secrets_ , but he wasn’t very good at hiding his affection for the woman. Not that she seemed to catch on. Rude finished his beer in a nervous gulp.

“Bah! Now you’re just makin’ it seem like you _want_ me to run this op without you two!” Reno said, waving his beer. It sloshed over the side, even though he had drunk so much of it already. “Tellin’ me I shouldn’t is just as good as an order to do the opposite, yo.”

“But I genuinely mean it! I don’t think it’s safe to not have the whole team. What if they _do_ have a bomb? Or a pit full of Behemoths? Or poison gas?”

“Me and Rude could take ‘em,” Reno scoffed. Rude felt the corner of his mouth twitch up and desperately wished Reno hadn’t blocked him into the booth. His hands itched for another beer.

“I’m sure you could,” Tseng said in a tone that implied very much the opposite, “but I trust Elena’s judgment. The last four missions _were_ suspiciously simple.”

Rude scooted his knee over to Reno’s, bumping it. “Move.”

Reno rolled his eyes, scooting out to allow Rude to get out of the booth. Reno threw himself in all the way, where Rude had been sitting, and called, “Get me another one!”

“Where is the drop-off point?” Elena was saying.

Rude let their voices fade from his mind as he walked to the bathroom, pulling off his sunglasses and squinting at himself in the mirror. He looked fine. Felt fine. Why did his heart feel like it was going to pound out of his chest?

He tucked his gloves into his back pocket and relieved himself; washed his hands for too long, cleaning under the nails with extra effort; ran a paper towel over his head to collect sweat.

He put his sunglasses and gloves back on and went to get two more beers. He stopped as he turned towards the booth. Elena and Tseng were gone. He swore under his breath.

Reno welcomed him back with arms spread. “You were gone a while. You alright, partner?”

Rude put the glasses down, sitting across from Reno this time. It was easier to breathe this way, able to spread his knees and arms and not worry about brushing up against the other man, about _giving the wrong idea_. “Not sure,” Rude said honestly. “This might be my last one for the night.” There was no ‘might’ about that, though. He couldn’t handle this on his own for too long.

“Aw, the three of you are such fuckin’ buzzkills,” Reno said as he slurped at the beer.

“Gee, thanks,” Rude said with a sliver of amusement. He hunched over the table. “Not a lot to get buzzed about lately.” He glanced up at Reno, who had sprawled back across the bench, one leg bent up, the other stretched out, one arm thrown over the back of the seat. His hair fell around his face, knocked flat from the sweat and effort of the day.

God, he was beautiful. Rude’s fingers tightened around the beer.

“Yeah, whatever,” Reno huffed, though he raised his eyebrows apologetically at Rude as his mouth spread into a grin. “I’m sure I can find some ladies to get my buzz going.”

Rude indulged in a private smile at his partner. “Haven’t you ever run into the same dame twice?” he teased.

“Not on _purpose_ ,” Reno snorted. “As soon as the questions start comin’ after my name, I’m out.”

“A man of the people,” Rude added brusquely. The drink was almost gone. Reno’s third already was.

“I got two people who know me already, pal, and that’s plenty,” Reno said, his voice dripping with platonic fondness.

“You don’t want a woman knowing you, huh?” Rude asked and finished off the beer.

“Tsch, don’t be an ass. You’re one, but the other’s my mom. Don’t get it twisted.” Reno laughed, pushing himself up to standing. “It’s the romance that ruins shit, bro. You know that, too. I don’t see you keepin’ a whole lot of long-term _girlfriends_.” It wasn’t meant to be an insult, and so Rude didn’t take it that way.

It was true. He tended not to keep a girl around for very long. Or ever. Considering Rude was completely, utterly, one hundred percent gay, and none of his colleagues knew. Including Reno. Which was why he had grown to loathe drinking with the man.

“You alright to get home?” Rude asked instead, already knowing the answer. He got out of the booth, straightened his tie, and re-buttoned his jacket.

“Psh, I ain’t goin’ home,” Reno said, pushing back on Rude’s shoulder with a grin. “Who knows, you might run into a damsel in distress on the way home. You could prove me wrong.” He waggled his dark eyebrows.

Rude rolled his eyes. “Break a leg.”

Reno gave him a two finger salute and sauntered up to the bar to the only other woman there.

Rude stalked out of the bar and towards the train station, where he attempted to slip out of view. He did go home, but only to shower and clean the smell of gunpowder from his skin. He changed into a thin shirt and less formal jacket and was back out the door and on the train again.

He stopped at Sector 2 and vanished out into the night. He ended up in a factory district off the beaten path; a warehouse boomed with music, but closer was a small pub with low lights and a dimly lit neon sign in the shape of two mars symbols intersecting.

He tucked his sunglasses into an inner pocket and disappeared into the place where no one chose to remember a face or a name.

The guy he picked was his type: fit, slim, broad-shouldered. Mouthy. It didn’t take much to convince him to take Rude home. Rude didn’t need anyone here knowing where he lived.

They didn’t exchange names, their mouths too busy to speak them, but the guy still found ways to swear and say the filthy stuff Rude liked to hear. He also liked to fuck until the man under him was incapable of speaking any more, and that’s when he could better imagine Reno was the one bucking under his hands. He always wanted to ask if women could fuck him into silence. Rude didn’t think so. Not like he would, anyway.

Therein laid the biggest problem: Rude wanted that man desperately, not just physically but intimately. Romantically. Besides Reno being hilariously, infallibly straight, he had already said plenty of times that he would never mix that level of being _known_ with someone who was just going to suck his dick.

It took a long time to get off, but it was a relief all the same. He gave the guy an encouraging pat on the ass, cleaned up, drank a glass of water, and then went home.

It was cosmically funny for Rude to accuse Reno of being hopelessly shallow with his female conquests, when Rude was the same for his male ones. His rationale was just different.

Rude already had what he wanted when it came to friendly intimacy. Someone knowing his drinks, his tastes, his interests. He just had to get the less friendly kind somewhere else. It usually evened itself out.

It was still hard to sleep.

Their next mission fell the next day. It was in a quaint little area of the slums of Sector 4, with shabby homes and dirty shops and mountains of trash and rubble. Near the collapsed expressway, a large cave had formed from a sinkhole. The Turks landed a helicopter near the area as a fleet of three-pronged helmet foot soldiers moved in to investigate the enemy’s stronghold. A terrorist unit this large required a lot of manpower, both to maintain _and_ to fight, and the Turks found themselves fighting more than they expected. Elena had run out of bullets after twelve and was resorting to scrappy hand-to-hand combat while Tseng had tried to slip away to find a vantage point. They needed to find their goal, take out the leader, and save any stolen supplies in the interim.

Reno and Rude fought nearby, but separately. Their usual _two-step_ had been out of sync for weeks, as Rude had struggled to deal with his ever-slipping facade. Instead it was easier for him to keep away and physically break down their enemies. He didn’t have it in him to keep up with Reno’s lightning fast reflexes, and he didn’t have to. He took out the big boys for Reno, and Reno could take out a dozen weaklings.

They still did good work. Rude saw to that.

Tseng jumped down between the three with a soft grunt. “It’s too damn narrow. We’ll have to split up. Rendezvous in twenty.” He took off in one direction down a spiraling path, and Elena to the next closest.

The two left stared at the collapsed bodies around them and shrugged, heading off in the direction of the last path together. As much as Rude struggled with certain feelings, he felt much more at ease on missions with Reno at his side.

Several Shinra footsoldiers had come this way. The echoes of their gunfire bounced off of the walls. The cave seemed to live and breathe, occasionally rumbling and groaning as the inhabitants within shook it up. Rude played it cool, but Reno looked like a frightened cat, his hair standing on end. “I didn’t expect a damn cave system,” he muttered, clutching his mag rod close.

“What did you expect?” Rude asked quietly.

“I don’t know. A hundred bad guy swith swords?” Reno shrugged his shoulders and then put his hands sassily on his hips. “Whatever they got, we got it, yo. We always do.”

Rude was close to agreeing when he heard a distinctly unpleasant noise: steel girders bending. It didn’t seem to make sense. He paused, letting Reno walk ahead, as he strained to hear where the sound was coming from.

The wall to his right then rumbled before it exploded open in a storm of stones and dust. The sound of the bending steel grew infinitely louder, and Rude’s brain switched to instinct. In three sprawling steps he had reached Reno and snatched him around the waist, grabbing him the way he’d grab an enemy to throw them into the wall, except Rude threw him backwards.

Reno swore as he skidded back on his ass, watching as an enormous trap made of steel debris fell from the ceiling where Rude stood. He shouted in horror as Rude dropped to the ground in a crouch, attempting to cover himself as huge chunks of metal beat down on his body and effectively buried him.

The dust didn’t settle, but Reno shot to his feet and rushed, screaming his name: “Rude! _Rude!_ ” He yanked at pieces of metal and stone until he saw a leather-clad hand, and his frenzy grew worse, tossing his EMR behind him to free up more strength. He freed up Rude’s arm, chest, and head from behind bits of old pillar and chunks of concrete.

“Rude! Hey! C’mon, partner,” Reno said, slapping at Rude’s cheeks. His glasses were missing, and he was covered in blood from an ugly head wound. He couldn’t repress the hiss of, “What the _fuck_ , man.” He tried to pull him free, but that only managed to get him a soft grunt as Rude swayed in and out of consciousness.

“You good? Hey! Rude!” Reno wasn’t going to slap him again, but he tried pulling once more, and Rude let out a soft choke.

“S-stop,” he gasped, and Reno did, dropping to his knees instead. He ripped his jacket open and off, attempting to sop up blood. “S-stuck under… Something,” he continued.

“It’s fine. You’ll be fine,” Reno murmured, and couldn’t even see down the tunnel where their goal had probably been. The bastards had booby trapped the damn place. If they were lucky, this was the big trap, and the other two were safe. “Just gotta get you out of there and get the fuck out of these caves altogether…”

“Don’t know about that, partner,” Rude coughed with a guilty-looking smile. Every breath seemed to cause whatever was pressing down on his diaphragm and legs to get heavier.

“Huh?” Reno asked, and then realization filled his eyes. “Oh, no, no. Shut up. Shut _up_ , you’re gonna be fine, you fuckin’ quitter.” Reno was babbling. Rude was bleeding out from the head wound and trapped in a pile of metal and stone. He only had one free arm, and he was pretty sure he felt his materia had cracked in half in his other hand. Assuming it was only the _materia_ that cracked.

“Get outta here,” Rude wheezed. “Go get Tseng and Elena and collapse the whole damn place.”

“ _Fuck_ you,” Reno shouted, throwing his blood-soaked jacket to the ground. He jumped up to look everywhere for something to help. He never carried Cure; Rude always had it. If he could just find a _pole_ and use it as a lever to remove the heavier stuff…

“Reno,” Rude said, his voice soft. “If I’m gonna die, you better,” he grit his teeth, “fuckin’ live.”

“You’re _not_ ,” Reno said, falling back to the debris again to just grab Rude’s free hand. Reno’s forehead fell against Rude’s. “You can stick it out like ten minutes, right? Then I can definitely go get them, and then we’ll get out of here. We have air support, idiot, nobody’s gonna die.”

Rude could barely understand him. He was struggling to remain awake. “Can I tell you a secret?” he asked, and blood was sliding out of his mouth. There was definitely some internal organ damage. His breaths were shaky enough to wobble his voice.

“You have a wife and kids?” Reno sniffed, one sad laugh puffing out of him.

“I'm gay,” Rude said, and opened those big brown eyes up at Reno, who had a manic look on his face. “And I’m in love with you.”

Reno stared at him, and the fury and shock was so strong that tears were filling his eyes. He barked out a laugh that sounded more like a sob than anything else. “You’re _what_?” His fingers dug into Rude’s hand and his jacket, pulling them closer. “With _me_?” he asked, disbelieving, another awful laugh bubbling out of him. “You _can’t_.”

“Go,” Rude said, letting his eyes shut. He couldn’t watch tears slip down Reno’s cheeks, not as his expense. He whispered, “Please don’t die,” and slipped away.

* * *

Rude woke up.

For the first time, he was pretty sure he had _not_ wanted to do that.

His brain was foggy, but he could recognize a hospital bed even in the throes of delirium. He felt kitten weak and tried to move, but he his arms felt so damn heavy. He blinked, getting used to the unpleasant fluorescent hospital lights. He was alone.

He tried to push himself up, but just noticed how he was attached to so many damn tubes and wires. Only then did he feel the tube in his nose, and panic began to set in. His heart monitor began to beep out of control, and a nurse skittered in a moment later, staring at him in shock. “You’re awake?” She then rushed to him to hold him by the arm. “Calm down! You’re panicking! You’ve been down a long time. Take in a deep breath for me.”

He did, but it was weak and shaky. He had the phantom feeling of his diaphragm getting crushed. “Tube,” he said, though his voice was inaudible, just a rasp of stale air.

“Sure, yes. We’ll take that out. It’s just going to be unpleasant, so I need you to calm down for me. One more breath.” She let go of him then. The lack of contact made him more at ease, ironically. His heart slowed.

“Okay, let’s take it out, and I’ll get you a cup of ice. How’s that?” she asked. He simply nodded, humiliated.

He sat through the uncomfortable feeling of the feeding tube being removed, and gagged at the end of it. He squeezed his eyes shut. “How long?” he asked.

“A while,” she said, dancing around the subject. “I don’t want you to panic again, Mr. Rude. I’ll be right back.”

Rude frowned, watching her go. He had no watch, no phone set aside. It had probably been destroyed in the debris.

She came back in with the promised cup of ice and handed it over. He weakly grasped it, amazed at how difficult it seemed to lift the damn thing. He became very wary as he tipped one ice chunk into his mouth. “How. Long.”

She picked up his charts with a sigh. “Since you were brought in… Three months ago,” she said, and got a more professional tone. “Half of you had been crushed. Your bones have been repairing, but you also took a heavy blow to the head. You haven’t been conscious in three months.”

The ice cube fell out of his mouth.

“You’ve had visitors, though. Mostly really scary looking people in suits. There’s a note in here to tell a Mister… Sang?”

“Tseng,” Rude said, snatching the ice cube from his chest where it had fallen and putting it back in his dry mouth.

The last thing he had remembered was confessing and then dying. _Dying_ , god dammit.

His head fell back against the flat pillows. “When can I go?” he asked.

The nurse raised an eyebrow at him. “Slow your roll, buster,” she said. “Lower your expectations a little, but we’ll get you out the door eventually. Can’t have you crowding up my rooms forever.”

He closed his eyes and thought with some glimmer of hope that maybe he wouldn’t wake up again.

But then there were voices. Soft murmuring and clicking, pulling him from his sleepy haze. His eyes snapped open, and there were Tseng and Elena. His heart dropped into his stomach.

Of course _he_ wouldn’t be there.

“Ru-uuude!” Elena said, and she was crying before he had a chance to do anything. She wrapped her arms around him as best as she could, and he stared at Tseng over her shoulder. Tseng looked like he was patiently amused. Relieved, even.

“Personal space, kid,” Rude coughed, and Elena jerked back in embarrassment.

“Sorry! It’s just been—” Elena bit her lip, standing up straight. “It’s been a long time, and they weren’t sure, and. I worried and, I was here a lot, you know? Wanted to make sure they were keeping your beard shaved in the right shape.”

“You’ve had a lot of muscle atrophy,” Tseng said matter-of-factly. “But other than that, you’ve seemed to heal up remarkably well. Do you remember the extraction?” Rude shook his head. “Just as well. Whole thing had been a trap, and after you’d passed out, something snapped in Reno. Just completely feral until we got you out of there.”

Rude closed his eyes. Well, at least now he knew Reno lived. “How is he?” he asked softly.

“A changed man,” Tseng said knowingly. “He’ll be in to see you later. He had some personal business across the city.”

It didn’t make his heart feel any better, but at least he would be coming in.

Elena wiped at her eyes. “Is there anything we can get you?”

“Pizza,” Rude grunted, “and beer.”

The Turks chuckled at him, knowing he was stuck with hospital food for a while yet. He sighed.

“Maybe when you get out of here,” Elena said, and then squeezed one of Rude’s hands. “Good luck, okay? I’ll come back any time I have free.” She glanced back at Tseng and then whispered, “And sometimes when I’m not supposed to be free.”

“If you come here on the job, just tell me, Elena,” Tseng said, that gentle humor in his eyes again. Rude envied them with every fiber of his being.

“Thanks, you two,” Rude said, and placed the melted cup of ice — just water, now — he’d been holding on the side table. “Til then.”

Tseng bowed reverently, and the two left side by side. He watched Elena squeeze Tseng’s hand for the briefest moment and then they were gone.

Maybe this time, he thought. Maybe this time he could stay asleep.

* * *

“Don’t be mad at me for waking you up.”

His head shifted groggily, turning towards the voice like a flower to the sun. He said nothing, just slowly blinked his eyes open.

Still fucking beautiful. “Not mad,” he rasped, mouth slanting in a half smile. He almost wanted to turn away, but it was good to see his unscathed face. “Just tired.”

Reno’s eyes lit up. He sat down in the chair closest to the bed, pulling himself right up to it. “I wanted to bring you food,” he said, “but the nurses said it’d make you throw up like _immediately_. Which would have been funny in any other circumstance.” Reno’s expressive eyebrows popped up. “Sorry I wasn’t here with the others.”

Rude shrugged. He was struggling to make eye contact. It had been hours since he’d confessed, in his coma-addled brain. For Reno it was a distant blip, and he seemed only to be relieved. “Tseng said you were busy.”

Reno rolled his eyes. “He’s real into snoopin’ around other people’s business and then keeping it to himself,” he said with a laugh. “I was takin’ my girlfriend out. She was nagging the hell out of me about birthday brunch. Who does that?”

Rude choked. “ _Girlfriend_?”

Reno had the sense to look embarrassed. “Uh… Yeah. After everything went down, I kinda realized how fucked up it was that I didn’t want to know what it was like to really…” He shook his head. “Anyway. You fuckin’ body-slamming me to sacrifice yourself knocked a screw loose. Or knocked it back into place.”

The ache was going to swallow Rude whole, but instead he had to give a pleased smile in Reno’s direction. “Helpin’ you grow up, huh,” he said, though the teasing tone fell flat. He felt out of practice.

“Shut up, asshole. You’d like her. She’s boring.” Reno rolled his eyes, leaning back in his chair. The closeness was over too soon, but Rude still felt like it was a relief. He didn’t have to stare at glacier blue eyes. He did reach over to see his cup had been refilled with ice, and he picked that up.

“Tell me about her,” Rude said. He put an ice cube in his mouth and shut his eyes. As Reno talked, he crunched the ice. He didn’t hear much of anything.

“So, anyway,” Reno finished with a shrug. “When you getting out of here?”

“God knows,” Rude muttered bitterly.

The redhead frowned. “That’s shitty. I’m amazed Tseng isn’t in here dragging you out kicking and screaming. The stress has been getting to him, and he takes it out on me. God knows he won’t yell at Elena.”

“I’m happy for them,” Rude whispered, swallowing the last of his ice cube.

Reno’s fingers tightened into an awkward fist in his pocket. Rude could hear him crumpling something up in there: candy wrappers, money, a love letter. Who the hell knew. “Yeah,” Reno breathed, and then stood up. “I guess I’d better go. Visiting hours are over soon. I just.” His eyes fell on Rude’s face again, and Rude forced himself to look back at him. “I just wanted to be sure.”

“I lived, bitch,” Rude said sadly, and Reno let out a startled laugh that turned into peels of laughter.

“Ha! This is why I love you, man,” Reno said, slapping Rude on the shoulder. “Have a good night.”

He left, and the words hung heavy in the air. Rude crushed the cup in his hands. He was going to throw up.


	2. Chapter 2

Recovery was slow. He’d been allowed to go home after a short week at the hospital, but from then on he had spent most of his waking hours at physical therapy, and eventually a gym. When he had graduated to just working out on his own, it was easier to put the bulk on, but Tseng hadn’t let him come back to work.

He had been forced to enjoy the company of strangers at an upscale gym, but they were happy to spot for him and then go away. It was easy to be impersonal when you had the kind of money that gave you access to a place like that.

After a a month, Tseng had agreed to let him come back, but desk duty only. Rude had tried to argue, but he could barely do a ten kilometer run. He knew he still had to build his strength back up.

Reno had been thrilled to have him back in the office, at least, in a way that heavily implied he’d chosen to forget about any deathbed confessions, and Rude felt oddly thankful for it, now.

“Look at him!” Reno had said after the first week of being cooped up in the office with Rude. “He’s practically got muscles bulging out of his muscles again, Tseng. C’mon. Just a little patrol? Baby sized?”

“Are you telling me I need ‘baby missions’, Reno?” Rude said, pushing his sunglasses up his nose. “Because I will break you in half.”

Reno laughed. “See! He could break me in half! C’mon, boss!”

Tseng looked up from his paperwork and put the pen in its holder. He calmly picked up the papers and shuffled them to order, tapped them on the desk, and then leaned over them. “No.” He pushed up from the desk to leave.

“Still got such a way with words, partner,” Rude murmured as Tseng left the office.

Reno sighed, throwing his head back. “Elena’s out on baby missions and I’m _here_.”

“Why don’t you go alone?” Rude asked, eyebrows raising just a titch over his sunglasses. “I’m not here to trap you.”

“And leave you here alone? For days at a time? While I’m out there doing shit alone, _again_?” Reno kicked his feet up on the desk, hands behind his head. “No thanks, partner.”

Rude felt a warmth blossom in his chest and hated it. He smothered it down and instead opened up his terminal. “Your funeral,” he joked.

Reno peered at him with thin eyes, like a cartoon predator might. “I don’t know if I’m allowed to laugh at that,” he said tersley, which shocked a genuine laugh out of Rude. The warmth grew.

Damn the man.

“If we can’t joke about death, what is there?” Rude asked with a shrug, and stared back at his terminal.

“Huh, yeah,” Reno replied, a soft chuckle passing his lips. Rude could feel the gaze on him. He ignored it.

* * *

After two weeks, Tseng watched Rude run on a treadmill for an hour, shoot a target full of headshots, and kick a punching bag off its hook. He agreed to let him go back to the field, but only on low level missions. Reno took it as an absolute win, happy to drag Rude out on his previously lonely patrols through various plate districts.

“Nothing’s really changed,” Reno was saying, swinging his mag rod like a baton. “Oh, other than a new shitty bar opened up. Don’t go there. Bad service.”

“What is it about me that _doesn’t_ scream ‘glutton for punishment’, Reno?” Rude asked, even as he carefully catalogued everything he saw in his mind. This place was quiet, but in just a basic suburb kind of way. They wouldn’t see any adventure tonight, and he was grateful.

“Ah, that’s right, that’s why you hang out with me,” Reno said self deprecatingly. He only flinched a bit afterwards. He knew the implication was clear: ‘hanging out with me hurts you’. Reno _did_ remember, then, and it was weighing on his mind.

Rude swore under his breath and tried to direct the conversation in a different direction. “Okay, okay. No shitty bars. There’s gotta be someplace we can end the patrol.”

Reno’s face twisted into a smug grin. “I know the best greasy spoon down here.” He grabbed Rude by the upper arm, about to turn them around, when they both heard the distinct sounds of heavy boots. It wasn’t normal to hear several sets of footsteps with that much added weight — armor? equipment? — in a small suburb. Reno dashed into a side alley, yanking Rude along with him, pressing him close against the wall.

Outside the alley, three men in combat vests and red bandanas walked past, slapping each other along the back and laughing. “It’s genius, bro.”

“They would _never_ think about a bomb in the mail, bro!”

“The big guys at main HQ won’t be able to ignore us after this, bro!”

Reno glared out after them, his hands tightly gripping Rude by the shoulders. That was the sound of AVALANCHE _wannabes_ , who hadn’t even gotten in with their organization yet. A mail bomb? They just kept getting stupider. Rude hadn’t reacted, so Reno looked up at him and realized just how close they were.

Their bodies were pressed in one long line. Rude was completely frozen, palms of his hands flat against the brick wall behind him, staring into space past Reno’s head. A blush was spreading from his freckled cheeks to the tips of his ears. Reno could smell Rude’s masculine cologne and nervous sweat. He liked it.

It took a good five seconds before he realized why this was _wrong_. He leapt backwards, the AVALANCHE boys having already past the alley. As soon as there was a space between them, Rude let out a long breath he’d been holding. He pushed his sunglasses up his nose, head tilting down to try to cover the blush. He looked like he wanted to speak, but could only clear his throat.

“Let’s go crack some skulls,” Reno said, straightening his jacket, and Rude silently agreed.

Tseng hadn’t even been mad about the patrol going awry. They’d managed to find the ‘mail bomb’ — an unlit box of gunpowder addressed to ‘Rutus Shinba’ — and the three had been apprehended easily. They also _talked_. The idiots had a lot of friends spread out in other suburbs. They were just so stupid that Tseng felt perfectly comfortable sending Rude and Reno out to deal with them. It was unlikely to run into another unsafe situation.

It was true. Their missions were easy: lurk around a suburb in the general area where they had been told their compatriots operated, and wait. The pair of Turks spent a lot of extra time together this way. They hung out in little bistros with one expensive espresso each and played cards while they watched passers by.

Reno threw his losing hand down for the third time and sucked loudly at his teeth. “Maybe I’m just bad at shuffling,” he said, pulling all the cards to him.

“And yet, you shuffle,” Rude said with mild amusement. His eyes flickered past Reno down the street. A woman with a stroller. Three kids and a dog. One awkward man with a flower in his hand, rehearsing something to himself.

“Fine, you want to?” Reno scoffed, pressing the stack of cards into Rude’s hand. Rude was a little distracted, so Reno let himself trace his bare fingertips over Rude’s wrist. He watched a tiny shudder travel over Rude’s shoulders as he jerked his gaze down at their hands.

Reno withdrew his hand, finally sucking down his espresso. He wasn’t sure why he’d done that. Maybe it was because he wasn’t supposed to do things like that. It was forbidden, and it called to him.

Rude recovered effortlessly, shuffling the cards with a backwards arch like a man who had spent many years in underground gambling establishments. “It’s not the shuffling,” he said, and began to deal. “You’re just bad at gin rummy. Eight o’clock.”

Reno picked up his cards, glancing to his left. “Those our boys?”

“Yup.”

They left the cards.

It seemed like every new mission, Reno found some way to get under Rude’s skin. The problem was twofold: Reno knew damn well that it wasn’t _nice_ to flirt with Rude this way, knowing what he knew; but he also didn’t mean to do it. The physical flirtation was so second nature to him, he hadn’t realized he was doing it until he saw Rude’s body language change.

There was the time the fake AVALANCHE boys managed to catch them by surprise. Rude had moved to shoulder himself in front of Reno, fists raised, but Reno leapt over both Rude and the two wannabes. He clocked one over the head with his rod, and Rude punched the second in the gut. The two of them fell against each other, dazed and huffing, and Reno and Rude shared a grin above the AVALANCHE heads.

Reno dropped down behind them to yank their hands back, cuffing both. Rude stepped around them and pulled both up by the handcuff connectors and then reached down to pull Reno up. He used a little too much strength, and Reno _let_ himself fall against Rude with a soft grunt. He was broad as a wall, it wasn’t Reno’s fault that he was lighter than expected.

He caught a whiff of that cologne again and jerked back. They didn’t say anything as they dragged the wannabes back to HQ.

There was the time Reno got punched straight in the face, and Rude may have accidentally broken their target’s neck in retaliation. Reno’s eye was swollen shut and his cheek was bleeding enough that Rude sat him down near the still warm body and pulled out a medical wipe from one of his many pockets.

“Just gonna clean it and cure it,” Rude said softly, squatting in front of Reno’s pouting face as he reached up to clean the blood. Reno hissed at the feeling of the alcohol, tears stinging his eyes. Rude dropped the wipe, gazing down at it while he cast a basic cure. Reno let out a soft whimper, and Rude looked up at the noise. Their faces were close, breaths mingling, noses almost touching. Reno could see past the lenses to Rude’s eyes.

This time Rude didn’t pull away immediately, caught up in the intimacy. “Better?” he asked.

The shiner on Reno’s eye had shrunken and was now just a light bruise. His cheek wound closed up. Reno felt an insane urge to lean forward, but instead just looked at Rude through his glasses. “Y-yeah,” he said, and then finally allowed himself to pull back. The expensive-smelling cologne was going to show up in his nightmares at this point. “Thanks.”

Rude was the one to ease back and lightly pulled Reno to his feet, careful to keep him from slamming into him. He’d learned his lesson the first time.

There was the time when there was no mission, and with nothing to do Reno insisted on dragging Rude into the gym to spar. Rude had agreed, glad for something to do other than stare boredly at a flashing terminal.

He’d shouldered out of his jacket and slipped his tie off of his neck. He let Reno use the electro mag rod, as long as he promised to keep the actual electrocutions to a minimum.

It was fun, at first. Reno was faster, but Rude was no slowpoke himself. They didn’t hold back on punches and kicks; Reno’s rod hit Rude hard across the back, and Rude dropped down to sweep kick Reno off his feet. Reno tumbled, but ended up in a crouch like a mischievous cat, and jumped at Rude. They traded blows, could feel bruises blooming on their chests and arms and knuckles and thighs. When Reno finally got the upper hand, he slammed Rude onto his back, landing atop him. His hands snatched Rude’s thick wrists, pressing down with all his strength.

They were panting, great heaving exhausted breaths, and Reno was grinning like an idiot. “I still got it,” he teased. In this position he knew perfectly well what he was doing. It was a dirty trick.

One that Rude did not take the bait on. Rude bucked up under him, shocking Reno as he rolled them. Their hand positions reversed, Rude now pressing Reno into the mat. Reno suddenly wasn’t sure why but his breath hitched as he felt Rude’s fingers squeezing around his wrists. “What’re you waiting for?” Reno breathed, expecting Rude to just lunge forward. Not that Reno wanted him to, what with his girlfriend waiting at home. It was taco night, after all.

Rude’s voice rumbled, and Reno forgot all about tacos. “Say I won,” he purred.

Reno’s tongue felt too big for his mouth. What in the hell was happening? “You won! You won! Get off!” He lightly struggled, his mind suddenly yelling at him to stop as his struggles just caused their bodies to rub together.

Rude smirked, letting go of him and jumping up to the side. “Don’t fuck around with me, Reno,” Rude said, straightening his shirt. “You’ll always lose.”

“Yeah, sure,” Reno huffed, sitting up with his elbows on his knees, struggling to catch his breath and not sure why.

There was the time where their mission involved just demolishing a building. It was easy: get in, set up the bomb, get out. They had foolishly chosen to not bring Elena along, though, and the bomb was more complicated than Reno had expected.

“Rude, help me out, here,” he said with a nasal whine, crouched in front of the industrial looking thing. It was small enough that Rude had to crowd in next to him, squatting on his heels. Their shoulders pressed together as Reno gestured. “Normally there’s not six damn sets of wires.”

Rude hummed in agreement, moving his hand to lightly move some of the wires aside. “There,” he said, and Reno leaned in closer to inspect. “Yellow white will hook up the detonator clock.”

Rude’s shoulder and arm were warm. He always seemed to be giving off extra heat; it must have been the elemental and fire materia combination. That was the only explanation. Reno’s fingers trembled. “Oh, yeah. Obviously.”

Rude lifted an eyebrow. “You’re shaking. Back off, I’ll hook it up.”

“You back off,” Reno said, but did in fact stand up and step back. Rude’s hands were rock steady as he connected the wires, and the digital clock flashed to life.

“Let’s mosey,” Rude said with an insufferable smirk, and Reno quickly chased after him.

Reno was starting to get real tired of whatever this was.


	3. Chapter 3

Reno only really knew something was wrong when he had the first dream.

He had thought before about how he’d be smelling Rude’s damn cologne in his nightmares. What he hadn’t expected was to have a dream that was so out of focus, yet so warm, and so hot. Rude above him, naked, smiling at him. The scent of sweat and cologne and salt mixing in Reno’s nose, Rude’s voice a deep rolling growl. Then he felt the scratch of his beard on his neck as Rude’s teeth sank into the sensitive skin.

He woke up with a dick hard enough to hammer nails and sweat rolling down his neck. His girlfriend laid a foot away from him in his bed. It would be so easy to wake her up and take care of his problem, but he found himself groggily wandering into his bathroom.

In the heat of his shower he was able to conjure up the dreamlike images again, his mind still soft from sleep, and let his hand wrap around himself.

When it was done, he stared up at the water and wondered what the hell was wrong with him. It was four AM, and now he was awake and mad at himself. It’s not like he was new to _sex_ dreams, but he had never had one that had gone in that direction before. He grumbled, throwing his work suit on and making his way to HQ.

It wasn’t unusual for Reno to slink into the building at ungodly hours. He glanced at the clock: it had taken him ages to get there on the night train. Five thirty in the morning. There was a shooting range he liked to frequent to clear his mind. It was rare to use firearms on the job — Tseng or Elena usually covered that — but they were all trained marksmen. Reno did like the heavy grip in his hand, the smell of gunfire, the tension that coiled up his off-hand as he balanced the gun. He liked the headphones that drowned out almost every sound other than the faint tick of his shots.

He settled in for a long session, going through target after target. He changed guns frequently, working his way up from a small pistol to a hefty handgun; from a shotgun similar to Rufus’ up to a sniper rifle.

When he finally took the sound protective gear off and the hum of the Shinra building filled his ears, he realized just how long he’d been destroying targets. He had a sizeable stack of paper targets, and his phone said 8:30 AM. He grinned a little despite himself. He was going to be half an hour late to work, instead of two hours.

Tseng would probably approve of Reno having fucked up dreams if it got him to the office on time.

Reno rolled up his shredded targets, carrying them under his arm as he strutted to the elevator. He recognized Jada from the archives department, but she looked like she got less sleep than Reno had, so he didn’t say a word.

All three Turks looked up from their desks when he sauntered in, and tossed his thick tube of posters directly into his garbage can. “Morning, early birds,” he sang, and threw himself into his chair.

Elena was staring at him like she was trying to discover the one tell that would prove he wasn’t the ‘real’ Reno. Rude made a soft huff of amusement. “You smell like the back of a gun shop,” he said.

“Ya boy’s been on duty for three hours,” Reno said, holding up finger guns and blowing imaginary smoke away from them.

Tseng looked back down at his paperwork with disinterest. “Are you taking amphetamines again, Reno?”

“Tsch!” Reno slammed his hand down on the desk. Rude didn’t even flinch. “No! Do I look like a damn kid?” He looked almost offended, and sniffed, “Just couldn’t sleep, is all.”

Elena kept staring at Reno as she pitched her voice in Tseng’s direction. “We still have that mission this afternoon, right, Mr. Tseng?”

“Correct,” Tseng said blandly.

Reno’s face began to fall as Elena’s turned into a smile. “Too bad you’re salaried, otherwise that’d be overtime for you,” she teased. Reno’s shoulders sagged.

“I’m gonna be here forever,” he moaned in despair.

Rude nudged him with an elbow and stood. “Come on,” he said. “Coffee.”

The two of them wandered to the recreation level. Rude bought Reno's coffee, a large sweet mocha with some new flavor of the month and whipped cream, while Rude just carried a small coffee with cream in it. Reno needed a massive blast of caffeine and sugar to drink the stuff, but Rude liked it in smaller doses.

They sat near the windows, gazing out at the waking city. “Seeing dead people?” Rude asked after a long silence. He slurped his coffee dispassionately.

“Huh?” Reno asked, resisting the urge to cut his tongue on the little sharp hole in the drink lid.

“Bad sleep,” Rude added.

Reno let out an awkward chuckle. “Oh. Nah. Just unsettling dreams, is all.” He kept his eyes open, unwilling to close them in case those flashes from his dream showed up.

Rude grunted in sympathy. “Bummer.” Finally he felt Rude’s gaze land on him. “Anything I can do?”

Reno swallowed too much coffee at once and almost spat it out, close to choking. Rude looked at him in concern, but he simply waved his hand dismissively after his final successful swallow. “No. Sorry, partner.” He cleared his throat. “Wrong tube.”

Rude gave him a patient smile and then stood up. He jerked his head towards the elevators. “Back to work.”

Reno sighed, gripping his cup somberly. “For the next twelve hours… _Fuuuuuck_.”

* * *

The mission was long and uncomfortable and Reno wanted to climb in a bottle with his colleagues after work. Tseng insisted he had reports to finish, and Elena claimed she just wanted to soak in a hot bath. Even Rude, his usual other half at the bar, declined, and Reno felt his spirits drop.

The redhead _knew_ his partner; he knew the telltale signs of stressed, twitchy fingers and the flat line of an irritated mouth. That is a man that wanted to drink. Rude said he was going straight home, and when he left, Reno did not believe it for a damn second.

Which may have led to a _bit_ of light stalking.

To be fair, Reno was very good at it. Rude was a trained damn assassin and didn’t notice as Reno slunk behind him, long distances behind. Reno was baffled when Rude returned home and wondered just how insane he was actually going until ten minutes later Rude slipped out of his apartment dressed _very_ casually.

Rude never went to a bar with him dressed like that: a v-neck sweater, dark khakis, slim dress shoes. Reno had almost blown his cover at the sight, wanting to yell at him for such a dorky outfit.

Instead, he stayed quiet and followed him to the train station, and eventually to a strange little industrial neighborhood he had never been to before. He watched Rude disappear into a low-lit pub with several windows. Reno read the sign to himself: ‘The Back Door’. He couldn’t help but smirk.

Was it extremely shady of him to sneak up to a window and peer inside? Maybe. But no one seemed to notice, and despite the badly lit interior, it was easy to see in. A long bar, several tables, and a ‘recreation area’ in the back with one roughed up pool table. Rude sat at the bar and Reno wasn’t even sure if he’d said anything out loud, but the bartender still brought him a drink.

A regular, then, Reno thought.

He was tempted to stand up and walk right in after him. Chastise him for turning down his friend to go drinking when he really needed it. There was some other part of him that knew it would be crossing a line. He sneaked his way out here, and it felt like a breech in Rude’s trust. Not that him spying on him through a grimy bar window was any better.

He heard a crowd of footsteps and blended back into the shadows. After a moment the bar began to pick up in noise, more voices, more talking. The bartender flipped the volume higher on the music, drowning out any ability to hear conversation. Reno peered back in again and saw Rude had moved from the bar.

Instead, he was chatting up a young man. The man had spiky brown hair, big blue eyes and an insufferable smirk on his face that faltered when Rude casually lifted his hand to cup the man’s cheek.

Reno blinked slowly. That made a lot more sense. He’d never seen Rude flirt _in the wild_ ; he’d seen the other two do it, either with each other or with strangers after too many drinks at the bar. But Rude always sat back and enjoyed, the easy rock of their group who ended up freeing Elena from a particularly unpleasant suitor or Reno from a woman he’d slept with before.

Reno watched Rude’s hand — bare, he thought salaciously, something he rarely got to encounter — slide from the man’s cheek around to the back of his neck. He tipped the man’s head up towards him and placed a long, slow kiss on his lips. Reno’s pupils dilated as he watched this play out, a foreign, sick feeling settling into his stomach. The kiss was _hot_ , and it clearly affected Rude’s target. His pale skin flushed pink, and only darkened when Rude’s lips brushed his ear to murmur an invitation.

Something was _very_ wrong, Reno thought, as he found himself hating that young man with every fiber of his being. Rude’s hand slid up into that spiky hair, moving through it the way Reno liked to be petted, and Rude’s mouth tipped into a small, private smile.

Oh.

_Oh._

Reno threw himself away from the window and skittered away from the bar. He broke into a straight run to get down the street before either of the men in the bar decided to leave. He dashed to the train station, the burn in his lungs canceling out the vice in his guts. He rushed through the process of getting a ticket and clambering onto the train.

He gripped one of the hanging hand holds and closed his eyes as the train left the station. He swallowed, a thick uncomfortable realization settling on his tongue.

He was jealous.

He’d experienced flavors of jealousy before, sure. If he had been hitting on a woman for a solid hour and some other guy snapped her up under his nose, it annoyed him. Filled him with jealousy that someone else was benefiting from his hard work. But even when men wolf-whistled at his girlfriend, he hadn’t felt sick. Hell, he’d laughed and taken it as a compliment that others found her hot.

He’d _never_ felt so sick and mad as he had watching some man melt under Rude’s hands. A killer’s hands, that Reno had thought he’d known until he watched him easily touch someone else without a leather barrier. Reno had never gotten that. He’d barely gotten lingering looks without the sunglasses.

Reno shuddered involuntarily. It wasn’t like he _wanted_ those touches, he told himself. Maybe it was just the sight of two men kissing that had made him feel so sick. That seemed a lot more reasonable until his mind flashed to Rude close to his face, pulling him in for a kiss, the smell of his cologne making Reno dizzy with desire.

He fell into a seat to hide his sudden erection.

What the _fuck_.

Reno knew damn well what Rude had told him months and months ago when he thought he was going to die. Reno had struggled to comprehend anything after that: this man, this constant, about to be taken from him forever and telling him something Reno never wanted to hear from _any_ damn person. And before Reno could tell him to take it back, he’d passed out. He’d threatened to go away forever, and Reno remembered losing it. Running faster than he ever had back to where the caves had forked, only to see Tseng and Elena limping towards him. Their booby traps had been much less impactful.

He remembered that raw expression of pain on Rude’s face when Reno told him he had a girlfriend, and how Rude clearly didn’t listen as he’d described the woman he’d been seeing for two-and-a-half months.

He remembered every short gasp and embarrassing blush that played across Rude’s features whenever Reno pushed too far. He remembered that cologne that haunted him, and all he wanted now was to feel that bare hand on the back of his neck while he drowned in the scent.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he hissed, staring down at the train floor.

How was he supposed to fix _this_?

The next day he came to work hungover and miserable, having spent the rest of his night alone at a bar, drinking until the bartender forcefully put him out on his ass.

Rude looked particularly good that morning; at ease, in good humor, patient and teasing.

Reno spent most of it in the bathrooms, legs splayed on either side of a toilet, arms resting across the seat.

Rude had come in after his first miserable hour, and Reno only knew because he could hear Rude’s quiet footsteps come to a stop as he leaned his back against the closed stall door.

“Rough night?” Rude teased.

His _voice_. Reno’s eyes fluttered shut. “Didn’t have you there to keep me in line,” he groused, his own hushed voice still too loud in his ears.

“Sorry,” Rude apologized needlessly. “I just wanted to unwind alone.”

Jealousy kicked Reno so hard in the stomach he gagged, spitting bile into the bowl. “Of course. Rowdy Reno’s no fun to be around,” he moaned.

Rude chuckled. “Cure never helps with nausea, does it?”

“No.” Reno let his shoulders relax, pulling away from the toilet to flush it. He stared up at the ceiling and listened to the water sliding down the drain. “You’re helping, though.”

Rude snorted. “I’m touched,” he said, clearly not believing the man on the other side of the door.

“Tell me about your night,” Reno asked suddenly. It wasn’t a test. He knew he was going to be fed a lie. But he just wanted to listen to Rude, just for a little. It helped him calm down.

“Well, I went home and took a long shower. You ever use one of those little steamers? Throw them in the bottom of the shower and there’s just soothing vapor? I used one of those.” Rude shifted against the stall, the little lock squeaking under the effort, but holding strong. “And then I got dressed in something a little more casual. I drank a beer, and read some of my book, and passed out before evening news.”

Reno smiled a little at the lie. “So boring,” he said softly, and leaned back against the door. “What kinda book?”

“You’ll laugh,” Rude said.

“What, you’re readin’ bodice rippers?” Reno said with a little laugh of disbelief.

“No bodices in what I’m reading,” Rude said easily.

Reno laughed, one of the painful pressures on his head lifting. “Of course you read that shit.”

“I lead a rich inner life, asshole,” Rude responded fondly. “You gonna live? Gonna come back to work? Tseng has been glaring daggers at your empty seat all morning.”

Reno groaned. The talk had helped take his mind off his suffering, which at least made it seem better. He scrambled awkwardly to his feet, unlocking the door. Rude stepped away from it as Reno stepped out.

Rude quirked an eyebrow at him. “Wash your dirty hands,” he chided, and left the restroom.

Reno stared after him like a man looked at water in the desert.

“Shit,” he said, and kicked the sink. “Shit, shit, _shit_.”


	4. Chapter 4

Reno was biting his lips to pieces.

He wasn’t sleeping well. He’d been inviting his girlfriend over less, finding more comfort in his hand than in her embrace. The gun range no longer soothed him; he had gone there a few days after his awful hangover and Rude had joined him. He’d been so nervous Rude had come up behind him to adjust his grip, and it had ruined the rest of the session. He had struggled to stop the trembling in his limbs and quit early.

His dreams taunted him. His dinners out with his girlfriend annoyed him. He could barely concentrate on jobs involving knocking heads together, and that was his favorite kind of job.

Something had to give. Reno was desperate to just get this to stop. He needed _something_. Was it still ‘closure’ if he had never opened this can of worms to begin with?

He supposed Rude had been the one to open the can, but it’s easier to do that when you expect to be dead the next day.

It was near the end of the day at the office. Tseng had some planning meeting with the VP and Urban Development, and Elena was doing a demolitions test with footsoldiers. Reno and Rude were alone in their office in a fairly normal configuration: Rude reclined in his chair, Reno sprawled out on the couch with his hands resting on his bared chest.

“Why are we still here?” Reno sighed.

“We do technically have jobs,” Rude said, patiently amused.

Reno scowled despite himself. Why did Rude get to be so calm and collected? Did he take that same guy home all the time? Did Rude have a secret boyfriend? Did his feelings change? It had been months, and all Reno had done was torture him ( _mostly_ on accident). Why would he still feel anything for someone like Reno, who dragged everything down with him?

At his non-response, Rude actually looked over the desks at Reno. “I can hear your brain catching fire,” Rude teased.

“Shut up,” Reno hissed, and folded his arms over himself. He was pouting and it was too late to take it back. Rude made another soft amused sound.

“You’ve been a bundle of nerves lately,” Rude hummed conversationally. “Trouble in paradise?”

“What paradise,” Reno snapped. He regretted it the moment he barked the words out, snapping his teeth together. He hugged himself angrily, refusing to look as he heard Rude push out of his chair and circle the desk. He pulled out Elena’s chair and wheeled it over to the couch as he sat down.

“Dating really isn’t for you, is it?” Rude said too nicely.

Reno felt rage flare up in his mind. “Fuck you, man!” he provoked. “I’m doing just fine in that department, thanks.”

Rude shrugged. “I can’t judge,” he replied, and kicked his feet up onto the couch near Reno’s thighs. They didn’t touch. “I don’t date.”

“What, cause you’re gay?” Reno snorted. He thought of the man in the bar and felt his chest ache.

“No. It’s just easier,” Rude said with a shrug. “No names, no familiarity. No pain.” He quirked his eyebrow. “I’ve had enough of that for one lifetime.”

Reno’s eyes stared blearily up at the ceiling. “No pain, huh?”

Rude snorted derisively. “Not as much, anyway.”

The subject lay between them, raw and volatile. Neither wanted to touch it, afraid of destroying the fabric of their own little universe. Their friendship was tight, bound with blood and sweat, and this could rupture everything.

“Kiss me,” Reno said suddenly, and his own eyes widened as the words slipped out.

Rude just laughed, kicking Reno in the leg. “No.”

Reno pushed himself up to his elbows, expression growing mad. “Why not? What’s wrong with me?”

“You want the whole essay?” Rude teased, and was surprised when one of Reno’s hands snatched Rude’s, viper quick.

Reno pulled him close with a yank. “Is it because—”

“It’s _because_ ,” Rude said, wrenching his hand free with a look of frustration as the humor left his voice, “you just said you had no _trouble_ in your girlfriend department. And that sounds like me _creating_ trouble for you. So no.” He put his feet on the floor and Reno began to panic.

“It’s just a kiss!” he said, pushing himself all the way up to sitting as Rude backed further away. “What do you have to lose?”

Rude didn’t look at him, and his shoulders were a straight, tense line. “Everything.” He left the room, and Reno slammed his fist on the couch. Why had he done that? Why had he asked? It had come out unbidden, a desperate move made by his confused brain.

He needed… to call his girlfriend.

* * * 

She dumped him.

He stood there, mouth open, while she stuffed what little items she’d left at his apartment: a bra, three pairs of socks, her toothbrush, a scrunchie, and a card game they’d played once. Badly.

“You haven’t been there for me in months,” she was saying with muted sadness. “You talk about your work all the time and I’ve never met anyone from there, not even the guy you work with. Who you talk about _way_ too much.”

Reno wasn’t sure what was happening. The ache in his chest was pulsating. He felt confused and mad. “We’re still in the early stages,” he defended himself, not stepping closer to her. “I’m a private guy, is all! I just need more time! I can…”

Change?

Her face grew sad, tears welling up in her eyes, and then just turned from him. “Goodbye, Reno.”

His heart thumped heavily, his head swam. He felt his feet taking him out of his apartment and to the train station. He stared at the peeling veneer of the train car and already his girlfriend’s face turned blurry in his mind. Ex girlfriend.

He hadn’t ever taken her anywhere with his friends, had he?

He hadn’t shared much with her, really. He’d brought her home as his regular girl for months but had never felt that strong connection. He never wondered where she was in the middle of the night; he never wondered if she thought of him. Not like how he would wake up in the middle of the night from a sweat-inducing dream with Rude’s imaginary hand at his throat and wondered, _does he wake up like this the way I do?_

He hadn’t even realized he’d gotten up and off the train until he saw that he was at the station nearest to Rude’s apartment.

Thunder crackled in the distance, and a few short seconds later the sky flashed with lightning.

Just his luck.

At least he was above plate as the clouds opened up, soaking Reno from head to toe as his steps moved him robotically to Rude’s apartment.

What if he wasn’t home, he thought miserably. What if he was out at ‘The Back Door’ finding someone to _not_ _date_. Reno took notice of himself, finally, as he stepped up the three flights to Rude’s apartment. At least he was out of the rain, now, though his white work shirt was practically see-through, and his suit jacket had proven to be very bad for warmth.

He timidly knocked on Rude’s door as the rain soaked through his clothes and seeped into his bones. He hoped his appearance wasn’t akin to the soaked wererat he felt like.

Reno watched as the door opened and was met with Rude’s brown eyes widening in surprise. The apartment behind him had dimmed lights, so Rude hadn’t had his sunglasses on. “Hi,” Reno said quietly.

Rude looked like he wanted to say something — Reno wondered if it would be ‘No, get out’ — but just pressed his lips closed as he stepped aside, gesturing for Reno to come inside.

In the warmth of the apartment, Reno let a soft hysterical laugh bubble out of him. “S-sorry,” he said, resting his wet shoulder against the foyer wall. Rude closed the door behind him. “I didn’t know where else t’go.”

Rude’s voice was tender when he said, “Let’s get you out of that jacket, at least.”

Reno hit his head on the wall. “It’s not a ploy,” he said, his mind stripped of its usual filters. Honesty tumbled out of him. “I’ve been like a zombie. Sorry. I didn’t think about it when I left home.”

Rude just shrugged and waved Reno into the living room. He disappeared into the bathroom and returned with a big towel. “Strip, you blugu.”

Reno felt an angry blush heat up his face as he shoved the sopping wet jacket off his shoulders. His shirt was almost difficult to pull off, so thin and heavy. He dropped them into a sopping pile.

“You’re not sitting on that couch with wet pants,” Rude said, but opened the towel up in a way that implied it blocked Reno’s body from his view. Reno gave a weak laugh as he stepped out of his shoes and pants, leaving him glad as hell he’d worn underwear that day, even if it was his more embarrassing red and white pinstriped pair of boxer briefs.

Rude threw the towel at him. Reno caught it and wrapped himself up in it like a blanket and fell onto the couch. Rude rolled his eyes, snatching the wet pile of clothes and took them to his dryer.

Reno listened as the ambient sound from the machine filled the warm apartment. With the lights dimmed, the walls looked like a soft yellow instead of stark white. It was full of dark details; ebony wood mantle and door trims, glass coffee table, a black leather couch with several blankets thrown over the back. Reno had spent many a drunk night on this couch, always grateful another blanket was within reach.

Reno scrubbed the towel over his wet hair and then tightened it around his shoulders as Rude padded back into the room. He wordlessly sat on the other end of the couch and Reno may have stared a bit: it was that same casual outfit he’d seen him in when he went out to the gay bar. The v-neck sweater was gray and looked soft, and his pants looked more like a dark denim. He was barefoot.

“Well?” Rude asked, leaning one of his arms back on the armrest of the couch. He didn’t look like he was impatient for any response.

Rude and his endless patience, Reno thought bitterly.

“I never had paradise,” Reno said first, once again surprising himself at his own words. “Don’t know what that is, honestly.”

“You dumped her,” Rude offered. Reno shook his head. “She dumped _you_.” Reno nodded. Rude’s expression remained infuriatingly neutral. “Guess that makes more sense. I doubt you’ve ever had someone do that to you.”

“I don’t know what to feel,” Reno murmured. He pulled his knees up to his chin, all completely wrapped up in Rude’s fluffy bath sheet. He felt small. He felt… Bad. “It hurt but I’m not… upset.”

Rude shrugged, his tone still quiet. “You tried it. The relationship stuff just isn’t for you.”

“It’s not that,” Reno said, and then closed his eyes. “When I was with her, I had this feeling of fulfillment. But it had been going away.”

Rude didn’t say anything, since Reno’s own words did not contradict what Rude had said at all. Instead, he just rubbed at his own knuckles, looking at the flop of wet hair peeking out of his black towel.

“It started going away when I followed you,” Reno said. Rude froze. “It was one of those nights where I can tell you need a distraction. It used to be me, you know? Drinking and darts. That always calmed us both down. But you said you were gonna go home.” Rude’s knuckles grew white as he clenched them. “So I followed you, all the way to Sector 2.” Reno looked up then, meeting Rude’s eyes. They were honest. The hurt was visible, but Reno just kept running his mouth. “I watched you go into a bar, and I snuck up to a window and stared in. I saw you flirt with some guy. I saw you touch him. Bare fingers.” Reno’s chest squeezed out an aching laugh. “Would you believe it if I told you I’d never felt so jealous in my life?”

Reno freed his shoulders from the towel, letting it fall in a pile around his hips. He had at least dried off, though his hair laid limp against his neck and shoulders. His arms looked long as they hung over his knees. “I’ve been having dreams about you. Hot, sweaty dreams.” Reno’s head fell back, staring at the ceiling. “Your cologne makes me crazy.”

Rude finally was able to articulate a word, frozen as he was: “Reno…”

“What happened to me?” Reno asked, voice breaking. He was unable to meet Rude’s eyes; he knew they would be full of pity. “Why did it have to happen to me after you’d already moved on?”

Reno didn’t see it so much as heard it as Rude closed the distance between them on the couch. Rude’s arms slid around Reno, pressing the man into his chest. Reno stifled a cry, his eyes watering. “Don’t,” he said softly.

“Don’t what,” Rude replied. Reno’s shoulders and chest still felt cold. He had dried off, but not thoroughly warmed up; Rude was a heater, the softness of his clothes and the broadness of his body letting comfort saturate Reno’s trembling form.

“Don’t pity me,” Reno hissed bitterly, his arms slowly moving from the awkward place atop his knees. They fell to his sides, even though they twitched with the desire to wrap around Rude. His scent was much more natural like this, like he didn’t spray himself with cologne to lounge around the house. It was even better than the smell that clung to his expensive suits.

“Why come here, if not to feel sorry for yourself?” Rude asked, his lips close to Reno’s temple.

Reno choked back a sob. “I don’t know,” he said.

“C’mon,” Rude said, letting one of his hands slide over Reno’s bringing it up to his side. He was encouraging him to hug him back. Reno didn’t want to; he didn’t deserve it. But then he felt Rude’s naked fingertips dig into his back, and he couldn’t resist any longer. His arms slipped under Rude’s to wrap around him, his face pressing into the soft sweater. Tears were finally slipping out of his eyes, and this way he could hide them in Rude’s clothes and blame it on his own damp hair.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Rude murmured. His lips pressed to Reno’s wet hair. “You drive me crazy, and I think you hurt me on purpose, sometimes, but.”

Reno’s shoulders shook, and he was almost clawing at Rude’s sweater. “Sorry,” he whispered. “I know I’m shitty and did shitty things. I’m sorry.”

“You know the real reason I refused to kiss you?”

A hysterical laugh caught in the back of Reno’s throat. “Cause I’m gross?”

“I didn’t want to know,” Rude said, his voice quiet and sad. He held Reno close, letting himself enjoy the closeness he didn’t think he’d have gotten before. “I didn’t want to know what it was like, and then go on without it.”

Reno finally allowed himself to peek up. Rude’s face was soft and sad, and Reno immediately felt an other flash of guilt. “I just keep hurting you,” he said, anger tainting his tone. “I’m such a fucking asshole—”

“Don’t talk about the man I love that way,” Rude said, and cupped Reno’s cheek, thumb sliding over the tattoo on his cheek.

“I’ll say whatever I…” Reno shut up a moment later, mouth open in surprise. What had he just said? Reno’s eyes were shiny. “Do you? Still?”

Rude was looking at him like he hung the moon, and Reno felt his heart leap in his chest as he felt that hand slowly wrap around the back of his neck. The move he’d seen at the bar that night. Goosebumps rolled down his arms, and his eyes fluttered shut as Rude closed the distance.

Reno gasped into his mouth, feeling the warm slide of lips against one another. Rude stroked his tongue along Reno’s and then withdrew, noses touching, lips a hair’s breadth away from one another.

“I never _stopped_ loving you,” Rude breathed, and his mouth tipped into a soft smile. “Dumbass.”

Reno’s cheeks were flushed pink, and up close Rude was charmed by the freckles that went so against Reno’s machismo. He was sweet like this, and Rude wanted to keep that for himself, especially when Reno’s eyes were so full of warmth.

“I’m bad at this,” Reno said softly. “I don’t know if it’s, you know, _that_. I don’t know if…” He chewed at his lips, and Rude gazed at him with an affection that made Reno’s whole body feel light as a feather. “God, I’m _so_ bad at this.”

“Just pretend you’re not sitting half naked on my couch, wet and pathetic.” Rude said, raising one eyebrow at him, his teasing growing.

Reno had half a mind to be offended, but instead he just pushed himself back from Rude. “Fine! Okay!” He huffed. “When I’m with you I feel safe. When you laugh at my shitty jokes, I can get through the day. When you get close to me, I can’t think straight. When I sleep, you’re there. When I feel shitty, you’re there.” He folded his arms over himself, growing more insecure the more honest he became. “When you touch me, I feel something I can’t understand.” His eyes finally met Rude’s. “When you kissed me…”

There was a sharp pause. Something in Reno’s brain was short circuiting; he wanted to run and he wanted to push forward. He was scared shitless of what it all meant, but Rude just looked at him with the face he had grown to trust.

Grown to love.

Reno lunged forward to kiss him, throwing his arms around Rude’s neck. The man caught him with a grunt of surprise, but it melted into a soft moan. Reno’s frantic kiss edged into Rude’s more patient style, longing zipping around in Reno’s chest. When they broke the kiss, Reno’s breath was shaking like a shrub in the wind.

“I think I love you,” Reno whispered. The words fell from him easily, and Rude’s arms just tightened around him. It was a revelation; every touch and sound from Rude caused frisson-made shivers to wrap around his body. “I think I’m _in_ love with you.”

Rude’s hand lazily wrapped around the tip of Reno’s ponytail. They sat like that for long moments, the overwhelming emotion slowly settling over them like dust cleared from a blast.

Finally, Rude exhaled. “I don’t have any more secrets,” he said. “And I’d like to keep it that way.”

Reno’s hand came up in a similar way that Rude’s had earlier, cupping his scratchy cheek. Even that feeling was new and special to Reno. He was smiling like a damn fool. “Can we keep it a secret from the others, at least?” he asked.

Rude turned his face into Reno’s hand, kissing his palm. A contented feeling settled in Rude, one he hadn’t felt in a very long time. He looked at Reno through heavy-lidded eyes and thick lashes. “Anything for you, partner.”

That night, Reno kept Rude warm, and Rude kept Reno honest.

The secret lasted about a week until Elena blurted out a shocked accusation, and then it was simply the truth. Rude was happy to finally be known.


End file.
